Fertility

I've been feeling a bit queasy for the past week or so. Just a low grade nausea accompanied by a slight headache and some generalized fatigue. The last time I felt like this was when I was pregnant with Jackson. And just like last year, I spent the first week living in denial. I mean, with Jackson, I didn't think it could be possible. We had only been married 5 months and I'm...uh...of advanced age. But it happened. The best little surprise of my life. This time around, I had a longer period of denial. After all, I've only recently showed biological signs of a return to fertility. Who on earth has babies 14 months apart? Certainly not in Los Angeles. So on Sunday, Jackson's 7 month birthday, I decided to end the denial. I dusted off my EPT (early pregnancy test, for those of you not in the know) and put it to work again. Ian was compelled to sit in the bathroom with me. I didn't want to face reality so Ian had to look for me....

Whew! Much as we would love to have another child, we'd sure like to wait a little while longer.

Clarice

Westside Babies

Jackson and his little church friends. There are so many babies at Mosaic Beverly Hills. I'm so glad that our son has a cohort of friends he can grow up with.

Clarice

Temper Tantrums

When I was a teenager, I was prone to irrational little temper tantrums. Quite a few of them were in response to things my parents said or did. I remember that my mom once told me that she thought I looked sloppy during one stage of my life. I was deeply offended and angry, despite the fact that I truly was going through a sloppy stage of fashion choices. My response..."Mom thinks I'm sloppy. I'll show her sloppy." So I chose to be even sloppier for a short time. Once my dad was offering me some feedback on my sweeping technique. I wasn't being strategic in my sweeping, brushing dirt over areas that I had already swept. He was suggesting that I start at one side of the room and collect all the dirt on the other. It was pretty good advice. I think I even recognized it. But there was no way I was going to acknowlege that and change my ways. I kept doing it my way. The dumbest tantrum I had was when I turned 16. I wanted to get my driver's license, but my parents said they wanted me to wait because the insurance rates would be too high. I was pretty ticked off. So I showed them. I told them I wasn't going to drive with them until they agreed to let me get my license. That showed them....NOT. But I've made some progress since then. I still have an occasional adolescent flare when my parents suggest something (pride, you know), but for the most part, I make an effort to understand where they're coming from and filter out what's useful.

I was reminded of my teen self when I heard how the fundamentalist Muslim world responded to Pope Benedict's comments about the importance of reason in faith. As you may know, the Pope was quoting a 14th century dialogue between Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus and “an educated Persian.”

In the seventh conversation…the emperor touches on the theme of the holy war. The emperor must have known that surah 2, 256 reads: “There is no compulsion in religion”. According to the experts, this is one of the suras of the early period, when Mohammed was still powerless and under threat. But naturally the emperor also knew the instructions, developed later and recorded in the Qur’an, concerning holy war. Without descending to details, such as the difference in treatment accorded to those who have the “Book” and the “infidels”, he addresses his interlocutor with a startling brusqueness on the central question about the relationship between religion and violence in general, saying: “Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.” The emperor, after having expressed himself so forcefully, goes on to explain in detail the reasons why spreading the faith through violence is something unreasonable. Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul. “God”, he says, “is not pleased by blood - and not acting reasonably is contrary to God’s nature. Faith is born of the soul, not the body. Whoever would lead someone to faith needs the ability to speak well and to reason properly, without violence and threats… To convince a reasonable soul, one does not need a strong arm, or weapons of any kind, or any other means of threatening a person with death…”.

What happens?
This
This
This
This

I don't know. It just seems so juvenile. "What, Pope? You say Islam is violent? I'm offended. You better say sorry or I'll end up getting violent with you." I have such mixed feelings on how to respond. Part of me is annoyed and says, "Oh come on, just grow up!!" Part of me is frustrated with the political forces that would try to appease an ideology that has been returning to this kind of behavior for centuries. Part of me is sad that so many people are being manipulated by religious leaders who really don't care about them. And part of me is thinking that those of us who are followers of Jesus, who claims to be "the way, the truth, and the life," need to figure out how He wants us to slow the metastasizing movement of Islam by advancing the kingdom of God.

Clarice

Blink

Blink. My silly boyboy. He started making this face about two weeks ago. At first it was in response to the antibiotics we had to give to him to fight his first ear infection. Then last week, he started doing it at random when interacting with us. We're not quite sure what he's doing. He certainly knows how to smile at us.

Blink. In a blink of an eye he's showing signs of growing up. Not only is he trying to interact with us by making this face, he's growing up physically. Look at his little snowdrops. That's what MumIvy, my mother-in-law, calls baby teeth. It was a big day in the dentist's household when the first little toothy erupted.

Clarice

Five years ago today

September 11, 2001 was a significant event in my life. It was an unexpected violation. I was in dental school in the 90's when the Gulf War began. I remember talking to friends about how our generation hadn't lived in a time of war. But even that experience was rather removed - like it didn't realy happen. Acts of aggression were things that happened "over there." Not on our soil. The attacks of September 11 hit closer to home. So even though New York and Pennsylvania and DC are still "over there" with respect to Los Angeles, it still felt very invasive when the jets all hit.

The events of that day are rather surreal in my memory. I remember this undescribable dull roar of background noise like machine hum that I now associate with that day. I woke up that day to the ring of the telephone. Our friend Aaron caught the news and was calling people from our church community to alert them. Clee was the one who answered the phone at about 6:30 AM. I vaguely recall hearing her say "hello," then "WHAT" then "OK," before hanging up the phone. She tersely told me that something happened and we ran out to the TV to find out what. We squatted there in our PJs, not bothering to sit normally. Then we went to wake Lena and Cal up. It was such a strange morning. The four of us sat morosely in front of the TV all morning, not even considering going to work. We knew there was something big going on. By afternoon, we rallied ourselves to shower and eat. By evening, we moved to action. We opened our house to our community and whoever else wanted to come by. Over a three hour time period we had some 40 people come through to mourn with us, weep, and groan and pray for our city, our country, our world.

September 11 was the beginning of a new chapter for me. My life feels different now. One positive thing. I can see the value and the beauty of community. I was so amazed at how the country rallied in support under duress. And I was amazed at how the community I am a part of came together so quickly to pray. But another change lingers. Like many others, I have a sense that there's something happening now that we don't quite understand. It's happening at a profound spiritual level, requiring that I be vigilant and prayerful. And it makes me all the more compassionate for those who don't know the marvel of following Jesus Christ.

So I pray for the families who suffered loss on September 11, 2001 and I pray for this country and this world. And I pray that God would give us more glimpses of the beauty He has brought and will bring out of the ashes of that event.

Clarice

Content

Tonight I got a special treat. I got to hang out with a very good friend. We arranged to meet at a coffee shop. I thought maybe it would be like nights we used to have when we shared a room - just after turning off the lights and just before falling asleep - when one of us would blurt out some philosophical question that we couldn't answer, but would spend the next hour or so pondering, only to awaken the next morning cranky for lack of sleep. We never cared that much about the answer; we just liked the process of thinking about the question. But tonight, we just looked at magazines and compared notes on the fall TV season. We talked about everything and nothing. And I loved it. So wonderful to have friends with whom you can go deep or wide and not have it matter because you're together.

Tonight I got an even more special treat. My dear husband cooked me dinner, washed the dishes, did 3 loads of laundry, fed the baby, then went to the pharmacy because the baby has an ear infection and is VERY fussy and clingy. He shooed me off to go and enjoy time with my dear friend. And I loved it also. So wonderful to have a husband who is so attentive to my needs.

I am content...and very blessed.

Clarice