Lenten Letdown

I really didn't grow up with a whole lot of religious ceremonies (sacraments?). The church I grew up in pretty much stuck only to baptism and the Lord's Supper or communion as significant sacraments. In early 2001 I started living in an amazing community with 3 other women (an experience I keep meaning to blog about). One or two of these women grew up (or perhaps adopted in adulthood) observing some type of fast over the Lenten period between Mardi Gras/Ash Wednesday and Easter. I don't remember paying much attention to the fast the first year. Like I said, I didn't grow up with an emphasis on religious traditions. But they approached it in such a low key and earnest way. By year two or three, I think all 4 of us usually made commitments to fast from something. It just seemed like a great idea. I love Easter. Christmas is special, but it often gets buried in the trappings of commercialism. I mean, it is an amazing holiday - the celebration of the fact that the Creator of the universe left the glory of heaven, came to earth in the form of an infant, and tolerated life on this earth as a human for 33 years. That's pretty amazing. But Easter really gets me. For Jesus to willingly endure the pain and suffering and shame of crucifixion out of a love for mankind...that's really something. And then to demonstrate the authority to reconcile man's broken relationship with God through death by rising to life on the third day...whew!

As long as I have been calling myself a follower of Jesus, I've been trying to prepare myself to earnestly and reverentially remember Easter. And so the idea inspired by my roommates to fast for 40 days to prepare for Easter was appealing. What better way of trying to remind myself of Jesus' sacrifice than giving up something my body or mind craves. I mean, it wasn't ever so dramatic as giving up food and water or...life. It was usually much simpler. I can't remember exactly what I've given up over the years, but I think once it was alcohol (that was pretty easy), once it was all caffeine products AND soda (that was much harder), another time it was gossip or criticism (very hard), another time it was giving up reading any type of blogs (can you tell what I crave sometimes?). It was always hardest in the beginning, but very beneficial in reminding me that I wanted to spend some time focusing on Jesus. But by the end of the fasting period, I felt like I not only had a chance to focus on sacrifice, but I had a better control on my cravings.

So this year, after a brief break from celebrating Lent, I decided to reinstate my 40 day fast. I chose a very unconventional fast. I gave up late nights. Meaning, I committed to being in bed by 11:00 PM. Perhaps it seems like an easy thing to many people, but I am a SERIOUS night owl. If I had my druthers, the work day would be 10 AM to 6 PM and I would sleep from 1 or 2 AM to 8 or 9 AM. My mind is just sharpest around 10 PM (with an earlier burst of productivity at the end of the workday from 4-6 PM). So being in bed by 11 PM is quite a challenge, even with a kid who wakes up bright and cheery at 7 AM. And let me tell you, it's been the worst fast I've ever tried to commit to. In the 4 weeks since Ash Wednesday, I've only made my goal around 5 times. Honestly, I just gave up the past week. I'm kinda all of all-or-nothing. If I can't nail close to 100%, why bother.

But I'm thinking of starting all over again. I've realized that the failure to stick to this fast reveals something about myself. I'm just not willing to make the lifestyle changes to adopt an early bedtime. My body and mind crave the college student schedule, but really, my family and my work commitments (and the daycare schedule) demand that I give it up. And it's not like I'm up late being productive. Here it is T minus 38 minutes and I still have a bit of work I should do, plus fold the two loads of laundry that my husband graciously started before I got home from work, plus get ready for bed, plus try to spend a bit of time focusing on some Scripture... Ain't going to happen. I'd rather blog or read blogs or do something really non-urgent like try to figure out what to name our next kid or decide on what video clip I should post to YouTube. These things just don't have to be done now.

So I think I'm going to start again. Maybe tomorrow, exactly 4 weeks after Ash Wednesday. Or maybe the next day. I guess I have to check with Ian, since this impacts him. At any rate, I know without a doubt that I need to make some sacrifices in the way I would prefer to spend my time to prioritize the people and the One I should be most committed to.

Clarice