Disappointment Over Answered Prayers

It's been quite a roller coaster week. Actually, the past three weeks were quite hectic. I had to clear the graduating dental students for graduation, write and grade a final exam, prepare a project for a Fellowship that I'm a part of, and try to be a good wife and mommy. And Ian had quite a few nights where he had meetings as well. So I started last week off a bit sleep deprived. Then Tuesday afternoon I supervised residents in the clinic and Wednesday I saw a record number of kids for checkups, cleanings, orthodontic adjustments, and fillings. I was beat.

By the time last Thursday rolled around, I was experiencing frequent mild contractions. Actually, they were a little more than mild. Wednesday night was a restless night of sleep as I kept awakening to contractions. I reported all this to my OB when I went to see him for my regular checkup. Since I was 4 weeks from our due date, he decided to do an exam to check on the status of my cervix (sorry all, there's just no better way of saying this than what it is). "Hmmm," he said, after completing his exam. That's never a good thing to hear from a doctor. He told me that the baby was still high and that I wasn't dilated at all, but that the cervix was very soft and that I was 50% effaced. He said he thought there would be a 0% chance of the baby coming in the following week, but a 50% chance the next week and a 75% chance the next. Then he asked me if I could stop working sooner so that I could get more rest.

All of that really worried me because I had read that babies weren't considered full term until they are 37 weeks. Plus, my parents were out of town at a family reunion and the new medical center, at which we were hoping to deliver, would not be open for another 10 days. I continued to have frequent contractions the next two days and noticed that my belly bump had shifted discernibly downward. I was starting to worry that Bright Flower would be coming early despite the 0% prediction - preterm, without my parents or Ian's parents in attendance, and in the old hospital. So I quickly emailed immediate family and the folks in our small group and asked that they pray that things would settle down and that Bright Flower would stay in at least until June 30, when my parents would be back and the new hospital would be open.

I started feeling much better a few days later. Less contractions, less pressure down there. But because I had sounded the alarms, my parents decided to fly back early from the reunion and Ian's parents started looking into earlier flights to Los Angeles. So I was a bit expectant when we went back to see my OB yesterday. Ian came along with me so we could ask questions, in case the OB told us to expect the little one to come in the next few days. But he did his exam and cheerily declared that things were progressing very nicely. He said that I was dilated just a little bit, consistent with my stage of pregnancy, and that the baby was still quite high, and that I was 25% effaced. He told me that he thought that there would be a 0% chance of the baby coming this week, but 50% the following week. He suggested that it might be two or three more weeks before we could expect to receive our new child. He predicted that she might be just slightly ahead of her due date. "Hmmm," I thought. That was a really different picture that what he gave me last week. So I thought I would double check with him. I told the OB that he had said I was 50% effaced the previous week and that he had said to expect the baby in 1-2 weeks. He looked at me with a baffled look on his face and questioned if that's what he really said.

I left the office feeling really disappointed. Not disappointed that Bright Flower would be staying in a bit longer. I was glad to have a bit more time to prepare for her arrival. I was just disappointed that he had given me information that caused me to sound the alarms, bringing my parents home from a trip earlier than expected, and causing quite a few people to be concerned. Then I started to wonder if it was my fault, if I had misunderstood or overreacted to the information I had received the week before. It took quite a while for me to consider that perhaps it wasn't an error on the part of my OB or an error on my part, but maybe, just maybe, God had answered prayer.

I don't know what it is. I tell myself that I believe in a God who answers prayers, yet when I ask, I really don't expect Him to answer, let alone answer in the way I requested. I still go about expecting and preparing for worst case scenarios. So this has been an important lesson, I think. I would like to try to pray expecting results and learning to recognize those results and rejoice when the answers come.

So now my parents are home and prepared to care for Jackson when Ian, Bright Flower, and I go into the hospital. This time I'm going to ask that God will bring Bright Flower sometime between July 5 and July 14, when my in-laws will be here. Since Jackson came too early for them to be here, I would love for them to be a part of welcoming Halina Kalina/Hester Sue/Fievel Honeysuckle/Helen Sharon Daphne Phoebe Heather into this world. I will wait expectantly for the answer...and rejoice at whatever the answer is.

Clarice