Second Time Around

Today is the one month anniversary of the addition of Kiran to our family. It's been an amazing time.

Sometime early in the past month, my mom suggested that it seemed that I had bonded more rapidly with Kiran than I had with Jackson. I had to admit that it was true. I felt a pang of guilt for a moment, realizing that I had already violated the equal treatment ideal I thought we might want to pursue (can that happen with one son and one daughter?). But then I realized that bonding more quickly with Kiran wasn't necessarily the sign of a bad thing.

We got pregnant the first time 4 months into our marriage. It certainly wasn't planned. The baby was definitely wanted and hoped for, but not planned for at that particular time. Jackson was born just a few days after our first anniversary. Quite honestly, Ian and I had a hard time adjusting. We were still getting used to the idea of being married, having wed in our mid to late 30s, and having been rather set in our ways. We were getting used to the loss of independence and the addition of teaming. And I was just settling into a new role at work. So when Jackson came, my mind (and Ian's) was elsewhere. I don't know if I really bonded with Jackson until he started interacting with us. Until then, he was just a eating, pooping, sleeping machine. But this second time around I feel like I have fully embraced marriage (it's a blast!!) and parenthood (also a blast, albeit the hardest fun I've ever had). So bonding with Kiran is just an indicator of my overall state of mind...and that's a good thing for the family.

But something specific happened the morning Kiran was born that initiated the bonding process with her. Actually, it started the night before. Ian had a meeting so I was alone with Jackson and our night-time routine. I honestly can't remember the details of the evening. I just remember that it was awful. I think Jackson cried through his bath and resisted going to bed. He wouldn't go to sleep with me holding his hand or patting/rubbing his back or singing to him...nothing worked with me in the room. He kept coming out of his toddler bed so I ended up putting him in the crib that was transitioning from being his to hers. Then he would cry at the top of his lungs if I left the room. If I moved him back to his toddler bed, he was out again, but crying. It went on for close to two hours and I knew he was exhausted and really needed to sleep. I was exhausted and was feeling heavy and uncomfortable in my pregnant state. I think he finally cried himself to sleep. I felt like I wanted to cry myself to sleep. I was emotionally drained since Jackson hadn't had a night like that in over a year. Ian came home a bit later. We caught up and finally went to bed after midnight, with me worrying about the fact that I was exhausted from the difficult evening with Jackson, but still had to be in Inglewood at 8:00 AM to supervise students in the clinic.

I never made it down to Inglewood in the morning. Instead, I was awakened at 4:20 AM by what I thought were the Braxton-Hicks "practice" contractions, which I'd been experiencing nearly daily for the past month, particularly when tired or stressed. I spent about an hour trying to ignore the discomfort. Then I starting thinking that I probably shouldn't go to work and got up to set into action a "Plan B" for covering my work responsibilities. By 6:30 AM, I had an inkling that I might actually be in labor and not just having false contractions, but I figured I would need more time to confirm. After I did what I thought I needed to do for work, I felt compelled to go into Jackson's room. I sat next to his crib for about five minutes just watching him sleep. He surprised me by awakening suddenly, much earlier than his usual 7:00 to 7:30 wakeup time, even more unusual considering his very late bedtime. He sat up quietly and just held up his arms to be held. So I pulled him out of the crib and held him on my lap. This was a rare move for him. Unlike his normal morning practice of humoring me with a brief kiss before launching into a monologue about cars and trucks, he just sat there and hugged me back. It was such a powerful moment. In fact, every time I think of it, even a month later, I get weepy. And I'm generally not a weepy person.

In that brief period of time, many things happened. I think I realized that this was probably the last morning Jackson would have as an only child. I felt a sorrow that he would no longer have our undivided attention, but would be sharing it with another child. But at the same time, I was realizing that much of his life he never actually had our undivided attention because both Ian and I are people with strong senses of responsibility to our work and to what we think God has called us to. So I mourned that we had missed a lot of moments in his life while we were busy anticipating and moving toward some unknown future. And I mourned that the previous night, my last night alone with him, was such an awful experience for both of us. And while he sat there on my lap, uncharacteristically returning my five minute hug, I started bawling (also uncharacteristically...perhaps I can blame it on the hormones of pregnancy). It was the rivers-of-tears-flowing-down-the-face, snotty-nose, uncontrollable-sobbing kind of bawling. And my boy knew something was happening. He looked up at me and held my face in his hands and asked "Mommy cwying?". Then the moment passed. I don't remember what happened next, but it was probably a conversation about what he wanted to play with before going to school.

I don't know that my thoughts crystallized in that particular moment, but this second time around I have come to realize that I can choose to mourn lost time with Jackson, or I can choose to cherish time to come with both Jackson and Kiran. So, yes, I feel much more bonded to Kiran than I did to Jackson when he was the same age. I know I need to be responsible to my work, but I commit to prioritizing my family. I don't want to just do for them, I want to be with them. I want to enjoy the present I have with them instead of focusing so hard on the future I may have with them and apart from them.

It's kind of funny/ironic. For years, I had this mantra I would quote to people - "enjoy the time". I think it's the lesson I needed to acknowledge that my moment with Jackson reminded me of. I intend to enjoy my time this second time around.

Clarice